6.11.24 A Follow-up on Couch Friends
Breaking News: I needed to say a little more.
I know I just wrote to you yesterday, but while I was going through my morning routine I realized that I wanted to talk to you a little bit more about couch friends. But first I want to say thank you to everyone who reads this. It still perplexes me in a great way that you all find something out of the things I write. The fact that you read and share and reach out to me to tell me what you think is- I don’t have the words, but just know that I appreciate it more than I can express.
I haven’t been perusing on Instagram much lately and that feels like a gift, but this morning I stumbled across this video from A View From A Bridge (which is an even greater gift). You should watch it, because it’s profound and beautiful and if you’re like me then it will bring you to tears on a Tuesday morning. But most of all, while watching this I thought to myself immediately: This is why we need couch friends.
There was something Ann said in this video that summed up the epitome of what I wish to create with my place in the world, with my love, my friendships, my partnerships, my family:
“If we could all split the responsibility of caring for one another the world would be a much better place.”
Life is hard. Life is heavy. Life has some really ugly days. But if we let ourselves believe that this is the sum of our experience in life, we’re selling ourselves short. Life is a gift. Life is beautiful. Life is unbelievably wonderful if we choose to let it be. But what I understand is that it’s easy to get bogged down. Life can crumble us when we feel its weight. There’s the news of bombings, shootings, natural disasters, and countless tragedies. There’s the endless political discourse. There’s the stress of work, of finances, of getting older. There’s traffic, broken appliances, delayed flights, sick kids, sick parents, sick pets, and maybe you didn’t get enough sleep or remember to drink enough water today. There’s people telling you that you’re doing something right yet there’s just as many people telling you that you’re doing the worst possible thing. Society does not provide us with many opportunities to rest and reflect with one another in a way that actually connects us. Our jobs don’t make space for it. Our schedules don’t make space for it. And on top of that we are often the source of our divisiveness.
We need couch friends because we need spaces to be real. We need people to help us figure out what the hell is going on and what we’re doing. I refuse to believe that we are meant to work through our lives alone. We need couch friends because we need to realize together that maybe we will never understand as much as we want to. That this may never make sense and that’s okay. We need couch friends because we need to be seen, loved, and cherished when we’re our true selves. Messy hair, bloodshot eyes, groggy voice, cheeks doused with tears.
We need to see each other on the couch because the hottest new restaurant isn’t the place to process your grief. A wedding isn’t the place to talk about your heartbreak. A night spent barhopping with friends isn’t the way to heal your trauma. I’m not saying that these things can’t happen in these places, but what I am saying is they’re poorly setup to do so. We’re not supposed to cry in our comfy clothes in a place where everyone is dressed up, laughing and smiling. And if what we want is genuine connection, if what we want is togetherness, belonging, understanding, then it’s on us to carve that space out because life doesn’t always do it for us. Genuine connection is not brought about in a performative space. We need people that we can be honest with. We need to be able to share our fears, our mistakes, our confusion, our exhaustion. We need to be able to talk about the ways we want to be a better friend, a better parent, a better partner. And we should be able to celebrate our victories too.
We need to be able to say “It’s been 10 years since my father died and I’m still not over it.” We need to be able to say “I have missed you and I didn’t know how to tell you.” We need to have the space to quietly grieve and not have to apologize if it takes longer this time around. We need the space to forgive one another, to forgive ourselves, and most of all I think we need a place to listen and to be listened to.
Something else Ann said in this video that really hit me, as someone who is a chronic cryer is:
“For many years, I tried to learn to articulate myself without crying. But now as an adult I could cry and articulate myself at the same time.”
And I think what I understood in hearing this is that we often try to work through things with this belief that we’re only supposed to go so deep into our emotions. That we should be able to process things without having to express them. Without the mourning, without the shed of a tear. But to me that feels like eating broth with a fork. You come out with nothing. I think what we all find in life, if we allow it, is that the more we open up, the more we’re able to process it. The more we heal. And it’s a touching gift to be able to do that in the presence of people who genuinely love you.
So anyway, thank you for reading this far. I hope you have a great rest of the week. Go love on someone. Go call your friend. And please, go sit on the couch.
Talk soon.
Love,
Zach
Absolutely love the way you write. Such a beautiful concept on beautiful friendships